Thursday morning I woke up way earlier than I wanted to. My alarm was set for a cozy 11:00 am since I had nothing to do for the day. But instead, I woke up at 7:00 am, wide awake after 4 hours of sleep for a whole lot of nothing. I spent a few hours on campus since it was the first day of classes. Read the first chapter, took notes, and even did some of the homework problems for both of my classes, which I don't start until later today. I started reading American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis while I did some people watching on a bench near the Union, needed some fresh air in between Analysis and Abstract Algebra sessions. The first chapter was good, still setting up things for the story it seems. It was the basis for the scene in the movie where they have dinner with the two emo looking downtowners and Patrick Bateman goes on that long spill about all the problems of the world that we as Americans must champion. Anyway, then I biked to the grocery store, where I forgot to buy sandwich meat.
At home I did some chores, read some news, blah blah blah. About 8:30 pm I started feeling very tired, so I decided that since I had work at 4:00 am Friday morning that I ought to take this chance to crash out. To be honest I was trying to hold off falling asleep as far as I could take it so that I would stay asleep until about 3:00 am. 11:00 pm rolls around on Thursday night and something odd in my dreams stirred me to wake up. Once again, I am wide awake after little sleep. Kevin and Brian happened to be at the house, so I got out of bed and hung out with them for a while. I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep so I stayed up, ate a couple PB&J's, and watched some Sopranos until Kevo crashed.
Today I have work at 4:00-8:00 am, classes at 9:00 and 11:00 am and then tonight Trebuchet is playing at the Boiler Room. Maybe I can find some sleep in between study time and party time. Tomorrow I have a family get together...its been a year since my jaw was broken at a party for my cousin's newborn son. This weekend is his first birthday and I'm going back down there with my family to celebrate, again. Lets hope that my face can stay intact this time.
--DW
Friday, August 28, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Can't Sleep, Too Excited...
Things have been looking up for me over the past week or two, it seems that I've been receiving good news and good luck in most areas of my life.
I finally got in contact with the math lab coordinator after a summer of receiving no replies to my calls and emails. She has spoken with my adviser and says she can help me get the hours I need this semester. Combine this with the news that I am getting a big refund check from UNT after juggling around my class schedule, it looks as if I can quit my convenient store job within the next 2 or 3 weeks. I'm so excited that I want to turn in my two weeks notice NOW, but I gotta wait and make sure that I don't get shorted at the math lab on hours. Must stay calm, can't jump the gun. Good things come to me when I am patient. I can hardly wait, its going to be like Braveheart! I'll be screaming FREEEEEDOOOOM! Except I won't be getting my testicles removed.
Enough about that...
So, I'm interested in a new girl. I hate being in this stage, of liking but not dating. Usually I can't make the right moves at the right time. The right things to do and say are in my head but I can't guarantee that's what will come out. BLARG. Previous girlfriends of mine have asked in conversations about when we first met, "Remember that time we were watching that movie (or some other thing we did together)? Why didn't you try to hold my hand or make a move?" My answer was always that I was too nervous or that I wasn't sure if they wanted me to. Historically speaking, almost all of the girls I've dated made the first move. But I have to change that this time, or else I may lose her. I'm pretty good at telling if someone likes me though, and I don't want to let this one get away. Can't let my shyness get the best of me again. But I'm feeling good vibes here. The only girls I felt this good about ended up dating me for a few years.
So with excitement of a woman and the future of my employment weighing heavily on my mind, I am finding it quite difficult to go to sleep tonight. Not to mention the strange schedule they've saddled me with at work this week. Monday 1:30pm-9:30pm, Tuesday 4:00am-8:00am, Wednesday 6:00pm-9:00pm, Thursday 8:00am-2:00pm, Friday 4:00am-8:00am, Saturday 7:00am-3:00pm. Makes me want to scream. AHH. Just a few more stupid work days and then, ahhh, the weekend.
Now, where did I leave my pillow...
--DW
I finally got in contact with the math lab coordinator after a summer of receiving no replies to my calls and emails. She has spoken with my adviser and says she can help me get the hours I need this semester. Combine this with the news that I am getting a big refund check from UNT after juggling around my class schedule, it looks as if I can quit my convenient store job within the next 2 or 3 weeks. I'm so excited that I want to turn in my two weeks notice NOW, but I gotta wait and make sure that I don't get shorted at the math lab on hours. Must stay calm, can't jump the gun. Good things come to me when I am patient. I can hardly wait, its going to be like Braveheart! I'll be screaming FREEEEEDOOOOM! Except I won't be getting my testicles removed.
Enough about that...
So, I'm interested in a new girl. I hate being in this stage, of liking but not dating. Usually I can't make the right moves at the right time. The right things to do and say are in my head but I can't guarantee that's what will come out. BLARG. Previous girlfriends of mine have asked in conversations about when we first met, "Remember that time we were watching that movie (or some other thing we did together)? Why didn't you try to hold my hand or make a move?" My answer was always that I was too nervous or that I wasn't sure if they wanted me to. Historically speaking, almost all of the girls I've dated made the first move. But I have to change that this time, or else I may lose her. I'm pretty good at telling if someone likes me though, and I don't want to let this one get away. Can't let my shyness get the best of me again. But I'm feeling good vibes here. The only girls I felt this good about ended up dating me for a few years.
So with excitement of a woman and the future of my employment weighing heavily on my mind, I am finding it quite difficult to go to sleep tonight. Not to mention the strange schedule they've saddled me with at work this week. Monday 1:30pm-9:30pm, Tuesday 4:00am-8:00am, Wednesday 6:00pm-9:00pm, Thursday 8:00am-2:00pm, Friday 4:00am-8:00am, Saturday 7:00am-3:00pm. Makes me want to scream. AHH. Just a few more stupid work days and then, ahhh, the weekend.
Now, where did I leave my pillow...
--DW
Monday, August 17, 2009
This Past Week - Part Two
Lets see, where were we...oh yes.
On Saturday Kevin, Jenny, and I went to Dallas to see Mayhem Fest 2009. It turned out to be somewhat of a Murphy's Law kind of afternoon. Jenny had planned to be in Denton by 1, but she was late coming in from Austin and we didn't leave for Dallas until after 4. No big deal, I wasn't really excited about seeing most of the second stage bands. We would still have enough time to catch Cannibal Corpse and Behemoth. We get to the Starplex a little bit after 5 and made our way to pick up our tickets which I had reserved through will-call. But when we got to the box office, they told us that their electricity was out and that they had no way to give us our tickets. I tried giving them my credit card information, name, etc., and they claimed they couldn't do anything until electricity was on. So we sat around outside the venue while I checked up with the box office every 15 or 20 minutes. Finally, after almost 2 hours of waiting around they decided that now they could take my name down name and credit card information and give me my tickets. WTF! They could have easily done this earlier, those idiots! We ended up missing Behemoth and Cannibal Corpse. As the woman at the booth gave me my tickets and hear me complain that I missed most of the bands I came to see, she had the balls to tell me "Well you should have show up at 2pm like everyone else." What a bitch!
So we got in during Bullet For My Valentine's set, whom I didn't really care to see. Then Killswitch Engage came on and put on a really good show. They commanded the audience to perform a "wall of death," which for those who are not mosh-smart just think of the movie Braveheart. The mosh pit opens up in the middle, half on one side, half on the other. When the band gives the command, both sides charge at eachother and it is really the most brutal mosh experience ever. The wall of death on the lawn stretched from the walkway at the front all the way to the back wall of the Starplex! Killswitch Engage closed with their cover of Dio's "Holy Diver" which was also awesome.
Next was Slayer, which was definitely the highlight of the night. They played just about every one of their touring standards, except for "Die By The Sword," my favorite Slayer song. During their set, we started our own three-person mosh pit. We even got Jenny to do some headbanging with us, it was a ton of fun. At one point, after we had been going nuts on the law for a while, another concert goer walked up and said, "You guys are acting pretty crazy, do you have any acid?" I just laughed and told him that I was fueled by Slayer, and he smiled and kept moving along.
After a short rest, Marilyn Manson came on. The last time I saw his performance was either in 2001 or 2002 at Ozzfest. His show back then was excellent, full of theatrical movements and drama. But this year's Manson show was not near as good. He managed to play a handful of his early stuff from the 90's, and some of his other standards. His newer music really isn't that good in my opinion, so I just kinda sat back during those songs. He looked really tired and during some songs he seemed to be losing his voice. The picture at the top of the blog is of Marilyn Manson earlier this year. Apparently his break up with Evan Woods hasn't been treating him very well. He wasn't near this fat looking at this year's show, but it was quite different from his skin and bones, Iggy Pop-like physique from earlier in his career.
Overall, though we missed some really good bands, we had a really awesome time at Mayhem Fest. Also before this weekend I didn't really know Jenny all that well, but I feel like I've made a new awesome friend. Though after this whole experience, I will never do my tickets on will-call again. And if I can help it, I will steer clear from another Ticketmaster show in the future since they hire idiots to run their box office.
Lets see, what else is going on? I'm supposed to record some bass tracks for a new country project this week. I will probably start playing shows with this group after I can quit RaceTrac since they have my weekends tied up for the next month or two. Speaking of bands, Jet City Rotation is about to get moving again. Our singer had broken his arm, but he is healing up fast and is ready to get back into the rehearsal space. Be on the lookout for JCR dates in the near future!
Now, I must force myself to get some sleep. My boss schedule me to work 4 AM til 8 AM tomorrow, which sucks. Who schedules someone for 4 AM after they work til 9:30 PM the previous night? Bleh, just a few more weeks of this bologna.
--DW
Sunday, August 16, 2009
This past week - Part one
So far, I've had quite a progressive, busy, sometimes crazy and hectic week.
A little over a week ago I was biking to work. As I pedaled down Crescent toward Bonnie Brae, I heard someone honking their horn behind me. I turn to look and there is a pink Ford Escort a few blocks behind me, but I just keep on pedaling. A moment later the driver is at the stop sign behind me, still honking his horn and now I can see that he is waving his hands around. I stop to see what this guy wants and he pulls up next to me and rolls down his window. He looked to be somewhere between 50 and 65 years old, wore thick black rimmed glasses and quite disheveled. Then he started screaming at me in a slurred, almost retarded-sounding voice that I needed to slow down in his neighborhood. My average speed is about 10mph on this stretch of road, so I immediately figured this guy must be nuts. "I've biked this route for months, I think I can manage, thanks." I started to go and then he pulled up again, still angry, yelling, spitting while he talked. He sounded kinda like the Tourettes Guy of internet infamy. "YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE GOING THAT FAST IN YOUR CAR," he screamed. I laughed and said, "uhhh, this is a bicycle man!" "NO, THAT'S A CAR! DON'T EVER DRIVE THROUGH HERE AGAIN!" He sped off and then turned on Bonnie Brae, following me slowly as I biked down the sidewalk, honking and screaming at me the entire way. I couldn't stop laughing at how maniacal the guy was, and I decided I wanted more chuckles in the future. Over the next few days I looked for the pink Escort without luck. Then, this past Wednesday, I spotted the car. To my surprise the guy lives ON MY BLOCK! So I continue to bike the same route, hoping to have another fun conversation about the dangers of biking too fast in his presence. Maybe he forgot his meds or something!
Now for something completely different...
I've been keeping a log of my dreams for the past month, usually writing them down as soon as I wake up. Three nights ago I had my second tornado-destroys-RaceTrac dream since I've begun recording my nocturnal adventures. Both of them were quite different, but had some of the same people and the now recurring theme of my workplace being destroyed by a twister. I must really dislike working there so deeply that my subconscious plays mental videos for me in my sleep about the destruction of the gas station. Or maybe I'm like Angela Petrelli and I should be warning people!
I have also spent some time going through my notes from my Pathways training from over three years ago. While there is still much for me to recover from my writings, I've come across some recurring themes, some bad habits that have returned to my life and I've been able to renew my knowledge of the tools that I can use to keep myself on the right path. I will omit some of the Pathwaynian slang and concepts for the sake of my readers; while they hold a powerful meaning for me, it might come across as nonsense to you guys. In short, I see myself constantly running a lot of self-damaging mental tapes through my head, especially in situations of high stress (social gatherings, meeting new people, being around women that I'm attracted to, etc.). What happens is that when I'm confronted with a chance to express myself, or reach out to someone and be myself, I get too anxious, too caught up in what I should do, how I should do it, what I should say. Am I going to look like an idiot? What if I get rejected? What if they think I'm dumb? These thoughts are very powerful, and 99% of the time I do nothing, say nothing; I just sit there condemning myself to the loneliness that I so disparately hate. I get so caught up with my next move that I never make a move at all. Basically, I give way to my own negative thoughts so often that I keep myself from getting many of the things I desire. Hell, I even allowed myself to miss out on a good opportunity today. I give in to my fears and lose grasp of all that I've worked for. But these tapes can be reversed, must be reversed. I created them and I can change them. I can push eject when the tape becomes too negative for my well-being, put on something more positive, press play, and get moving! Remembering how to use the tools that I learned from Pathways is key to moving on to better days.
School is starting up in less than two weeks and I'm really excited to get things started. I had registered for my classes last semester and paid my tuition earlier this month, but then I received an email from my adviser. Bad news bears. He informed me that since I didn't make an A in either of the math classes I took during the spring, that I would be required to retake them again this fall. Also, if I fail to make an A in both of them not only would I not be prepared to take the other classes I'm required to take before starting my grad studies, but that I would have no future in the math department's grad program. So I gritted my teeth and re-registered for Abstract Algebra and Real Analysis 1. But then I also received some good news bears in another email from my adviser. He spoke with our math lab coordinator and it appears they will be able to give me more hours this semester! This means that I may be able to leave behind my grueling gas station attendant job for good as soon as I start getting paychecks from the university! In addition to that, I'll have more time for studying, working on my music, and getting out of town on the weekends every now and then! Plus I'll finally be able to save enough money for a new car within the next 2-4 months, yessssss! I have so much potential ahead of me for a great semester, I can taste it.
I'm going to end this here and return for part 2 tomorrow. But before I go I have added some more songs to my 'I Can Play' list. I know its been kind of slow, but I've had other priorities to manage this week. Here's what I've added:
43. The Changeling - The Doors
44. L.A. Woman - The Doors
45. Knights of Cydonia - Muse
46. Dawn Patrol - Megadeth
47. Night - Devin Townsend
48. Life - Devin Townsend
--DW
A little over a week ago I was biking to work. As I pedaled down Crescent toward Bonnie Brae, I heard someone honking their horn behind me. I turn to look and there is a pink Ford Escort a few blocks behind me, but I just keep on pedaling. A moment later the driver is at the stop sign behind me, still honking his horn and now I can see that he is waving his hands around. I stop to see what this guy wants and he pulls up next to me and rolls down his window. He looked to be somewhere between 50 and 65 years old, wore thick black rimmed glasses and quite disheveled. Then he started screaming at me in a slurred, almost retarded-sounding voice that I needed to slow down in his neighborhood. My average speed is about 10mph on this stretch of road, so I immediately figured this guy must be nuts. "I've biked this route for months, I think I can manage, thanks." I started to go and then he pulled up again, still angry, yelling, spitting while he talked. He sounded kinda like the Tourettes Guy of internet infamy. "YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE GOING THAT FAST IN YOUR CAR," he screamed. I laughed and said, "uhhh, this is a bicycle man!" "NO, THAT'S A CAR! DON'T EVER DRIVE THROUGH HERE AGAIN!" He sped off and then turned on Bonnie Brae, following me slowly as I biked down the sidewalk, honking and screaming at me the entire way. I couldn't stop laughing at how maniacal the guy was, and I decided I wanted more chuckles in the future. Over the next few days I looked for the pink Escort without luck. Then, this past Wednesday, I spotted the car. To my surprise the guy lives ON MY BLOCK! So I continue to bike the same route, hoping to have another fun conversation about the dangers of biking too fast in his presence. Maybe he forgot his meds or something!
Now for something completely different...
I've been keeping a log of my dreams for the past month, usually writing them down as soon as I wake up. Three nights ago I had my second tornado-destroys-RaceTrac dream since I've begun recording my nocturnal adventures. Both of them were quite different, but had some of the same people and the now recurring theme of my workplace being destroyed by a twister. I must really dislike working there so deeply that my subconscious plays mental videos for me in my sleep about the destruction of the gas station. Or maybe I'm like Angela Petrelli and I should be warning people!
I have also spent some time going through my notes from my Pathways training from over three years ago. While there is still much for me to recover from my writings, I've come across some recurring themes, some bad habits that have returned to my life and I've been able to renew my knowledge of the tools that I can use to keep myself on the right path. I will omit some of the Pathwaynian slang and concepts for the sake of my readers; while they hold a powerful meaning for me, it might come across as nonsense to you guys. In short, I see myself constantly running a lot of self-damaging mental tapes through my head, especially in situations of high stress (social gatherings, meeting new people, being around women that I'm attracted to, etc.). What happens is that when I'm confronted with a chance to express myself, or reach out to someone and be myself, I get too anxious, too caught up in what I should do, how I should do it, what I should say. Am I going to look like an idiot? What if I get rejected? What if they think I'm dumb? These thoughts are very powerful, and 99% of the time I do nothing, say nothing; I just sit there condemning myself to the loneliness that I so disparately hate. I get so caught up with my next move that I never make a move at all. Basically, I give way to my own negative thoughts so often that I keep myself from getting many of the things I desire. Hell, I even allowed myself to miss out on a good opportunity today. I give in to my fears and lose grasp of all that I've worked for. But these tapes can be reversed, must be reversed. I created them and I can change them. I can push eject when the tape becomes too negative for my well-being, put on something more positive, press play, and get moving! Remembering how to use the tools that I learned from Pathways is key to moving on to better days.
School is starting up in less than two weeks and I'm really excited to get things started. I had registered for my classes last semester and paid my tuition earlier this month, but then I received an email from my adviser. Bad news bears. He informed me that since I didn't make an A in either of the math classes I took during the spring, that I would be required to retake them again this fall. Also, if I fail to make an A in both of them not only would I not be prepared to take the other classes I'm required to take before starting my grad studies, but that I would have no future in the math department's grad program. So I gritted my teeth and re-registered for Abstract Algebra and Real Analysis 1. But then I also received some good news bears in another email from my adviser. He spoke with our math lab coordinator and it appears they will be able to give me more hours this semester! This means that I may be able to leave behind my grueling gas station attendant job for good as soon as I start getting paychecks from the university! In addition to that, I'll have more time for studying, working on my music, and getting out of town on the weekends every now and then! Plus I'll finally be able to save enough money for a new car within the next 2-4 months, yessssss! I have so much potential ahead of me for a great semester, I can taste it.
I'm going to end this here and return for part 2 tomorrow. But before I go I have added some more songs to my 'I Can Play' list. I know its been kind of slow, but I've had other priorities to manage this week. Here's what I've added:
43. The Changeling - The Doors
44. L.A. Woman - The Doors
45. Knights of Cydonia - Muse
46. Dawn Patrol - Megadeth
47. Night - Devin Townsend
48. Life - Devin Townsend
--DW
Thursday, August 6, 2009
A Funeral In The Rain
I encountered a new concept a few years ago during a period of spiritual seeking. Christianity was no longer a part of my life and I was reading anything and everything that my role models in spirituality suggested to me. While reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and later The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield, I kept coming across the topic of coincidence. The messages were similar: when you learn to take note of and explore the strange synchronicities that occur throughout your life, you will often find answers to questions you have about your life, purpose, and the world around you. I've had a pretty tough last couple of years in the spiritual department and this has greatly affected my personal and social life. You could say that I've been in denial of some very important lessons I've learned over the past 3 or 4 years. But yesterday I received a wake up call.
In March of 2006, when I was about to enter my second month in the Pathways Core Training, a teenager named Cameron died. He was a member of the youth group of which I was an assisting youth leader. Cameron and his family were very close to me and they were also involved in the Pathways organization. Originally thought to have committed suicide, it was later found that Cameron was a victim of autoerotic asphyxiation. His death shook everything; his high school, our church, and even the Pathways organization was greatly affected. Like any traumatic experience could have done, I was able to find a great amount of clarity and focus in my own personal evaluation and development during the rest of my Pathways experience. Thanks to Cameron's death I was in a sense reborn. Life was brand new again as I found the power to shed the challenges, the masks, the self-damaging thought patterns that almost buried me in the past.
I know that I only have a few readers to this blog, but I trust all of you with what I am about to say. Now it is August of 2009 and I realize that I have fallen back into some dark times. I confess that I am no longer the radiating, powerful, positive David that I discovered three years ago. Sure, I do a decent job of faking it when I get out and about with my friends. I came to Denton with high hopes in 2007, but I've been greatly humbled. A few failed dating experiences? No biggy, there's lots of fish in the sea. Quitting a well paying yet extremely tedious and boring corporate job? It was a huge relief, but I've been on the verge of broke ever since. Injuring my knee and quitting hockey to heal up? Necessary to my well being, but it really took a chunk out of who I am. Sustaining a broken jaw and a nightmare hospital experience? Though I learned to hate painkillers, I'm not sure that I've ever endured such a disheartening situation in my life. My car breaking down? Its OK, I have a job and I'll be able to fix it in a month or so. Getting canned the next week and spending the next two months unemployed? Fuck. Having a university degree and working at a gas station to make it by? Double fuck.
Something I had to learn the hard way in my Pathways experience was asking for help from other people. My ego likes to make me think that I am self-efficient to the point that I'll bury my troubles deep inside. While it serves the purpose of looking perfect on the outside, its pure hell on the inside. A few weeks ago I decided to finally look for some outside help. After talking to a close friend about my ongoing depression I decided to start seeing a counselor.
About that wake up call...
Yesterday I was up early to go to a meeting with my counselor. While checking my email I found a message from the Pathways organization. One of my spiritual role models, who has been involved in Pathways for the last few years, had lost his youngest son Gaston. He had committed suicide this week after spending the past week with his family at the Pathways Teen and Family Camp. The thoughts and emotions surrounding Cameron's death three years ago quickly flooded in. I was in disbelief that someone with such great parents and surrounded by such a supporting and loving entity as Pathways decided to take his own life. It was just like experiencing Cameron's death all over again.
Later, at my session, I described the Pathways Core Training to my counselor as well as my personal progress as a result of enduring the training. We both agreed that I had forged many great weapons (or what Pathwaynians call tools) that I could use to combat the things that bring me down. Then my counselor asked a really tough question, "How are you using those tools today?" I could only sit there, with a dumb look on my face. "Uhh, I'm ... not," was all I could say. He challenged me to go back and take a look at my notebooks that I kept during the Pathways training and to get back to him after I did that.
Three years ago a teenager's death occurs during my Pathways training and was a catalyst for vast changes in my personal development. Three years later, during a personal slump, another teenager's death occurs and my counselor challenges me to revisit my Pathways experience. Coincidence? I think not.
I believe that life gives you little tests every now and then from which we are meant to learn valuable lessons. If you fail the test its OK. If you didn't learn the lesson the first time, life will just give you a more firm version of the test down the road. In spirit of the theme in The Celestine Prophecy, it is up to the individual to realize the synchronicities that occur and take full advantage of all there is to learn from them. When we shrug off an event as some mere coincidence, we blind ourselves from the great truths that are meant to be ours.
In memory of Cameron and Gaston, I leave the reader with a song.
--DW
Devin Townsend - Funeral
In March of 2006, when I was about to enter my second month in the Pathways Core Training, a teenager named Cameron died. He was a member of the youth group of which I was an assisting youth leader. Cameron and his family were very close to me and they were also involved in the Pathways organization. Originally thought to have committed suicide, it was later found that Cameron was a victim of autoerotic asphyxiation. His death shook everything; his high school, our church, and even the Pathways organization was greatly affected. Like any traumatic experience could have done, I was able to find a great amount of clarity and focus in my own personal evaluation and development during the rest of my Pathways experience. Thanks to Cameron's death I was in a sense reborn. Life was brand new again as I found the power to shed the challenges, the masks, the self-damaging thought patterns that almost buried me in the past.
I know that I only have a few readers to this blog, but I trust all of you with what I am about to say. Now it is August of 2009 and I realize that I have fallen back into some dark times. I confess that I am no longer the radiating, powerful, positive David that I discovered three years ago. Sure, I do a decent job of faking it when I get out and about with my friends. I came to Denton with high hopes in 2007, but I've been greatly humbled. A few failed dating experiences? No biggy, there's lots of fish in the sea. Quitting a well paying yet extremely tedious and boring corporate job? It was a huge relief, but I've been on the verge of broke ever since. Injuring my knee and quitting hockey to heal up? Necessary to my well being, but it really took a chunk out of who I am. Sustaining a broken jaw and a nightmare hospital experience? Though I learned to hate painkillers, I'm not sure that I've ever endured such a disheartening situation in my life. My car breaking down? Its OK, I have a job and I'll be able to fix it in a month or so. Getting canned the next week and spending the next two months unemployed? Fuck. Having a university degree and working at a gas station to make it by? Double fuck.
Something I had to learn the hard way in my Pathways experience was asking for help from other people. My ego likes to make me think that I am self-efficient to the point that I'll bury my troubles deep inside. While it serves the purpose of looking perfect on the outside, its pure hell on the inside. A few weeks ago I decided to finally look for some outside help. After talking to a close friend about my ongoing depression I decided to start seeing a counselor.
About that wake up call...
Yesterday I was up early to go to a meeting with my counselor. While checking my email I found a message from the Pathways organization. One of my spiritual role models, who has been involved in Pathways for the last few years, had lost his youngest son Gaston. He had committed suicide this week after spending the past week with his family at the Pathways Teen and Family Camp. The thoughts and emotions surrounding Cameron's death three years ago quickly flooded in. I was in disbelief that someone with such great parents and surrounded by such a supporting and loving entity as Pathways decided to take his own life. It was just like experiencing Cameron's death all over again.
Later, at my session, I described the Pathways Core Training to my counselor as well as my personal progress as a result of enduring the training. We both agreed that I had forged many great weapons (or what Pathwaynians call tools) that I could use to combat the things that bring me down. Then my counselor asked a really tough question, "How are you using those tools today?" I could only sit there, with a dumb look on my face. "Uhh, I'm ... not," was all I could say. He challenged me to go back and take a look at my notebooks that I kept during the Pathways training and to get back to him after I did that.
Three years ago a teenager's death occurs during my Pathways training and was a catalyst for vast changes in my personal development. Three years later, during a personal slump, another teenager's death occurs and my counselor challenges me to revisit my Pathways experience. Coincidence? I think not.
I believe that life gives you little tests every now and then from which we are meant to learn valuable lessons. If you fail the test its OK. If you didn't learn the lesson the first time, life will just give you a more firm version of the test down the road. In spirit of the theme in The Celestine Prophecy, it is up to the individual to realize the synchronicities that occur and take full advantage of all there is to learn from them. When we shrug off an event as some mere coincidence, we blind ourselves from the great truths that are meant to be ours.
In memory of Cameron and Gaston, I leave the reader with a song.
--DW
Devin Townsend - Funeral
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