Hello readers, and welcome to the final post of the Full Metal Racket blog.
I've gone through the past couple months in confusion, frustration, stress, and fear mostly. The circumstances over the this time period allowed my depression to gain a pretty strong hold over the normal me, and I gave in. But the fog is lifting, I can see again and I am ready to move forward into a new chapter, one that I will write with purpose, courage, and strength.
For those who have been following my blogs in this series, thank you. All of you have offered encouragement and a glimpse of hope for me through your words and actions. In this final post I invite you all to join me on my next blogging endeavor Destination, Please! where I will be detailing my current focus - getting the hell out of the United States and finding the adventures, experiences, and new perspectives that are meant to be mine.
--David W.
Devin Townsend - Gaia
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
Bee + Pleez
I wanted to post an update on stuff since this week marks a turning point for things going on, or at least a changing point.
As of 5pm today I am officially unemployed. While the idea of hunting for a job is really intimidating me, I've been in a relatively good mood most of the week and I've got some preliminary job searching stuff done. I have a list of potential jobs with phone numbers and/or addresses that I plan on contacting Saturday and/or Monday. I also plan to just hit the streets and visit practically any business in my neighborhood, Fry St., the square, University, etc., just to ask for applications. The real difficulty in this is getting out and doing it instead of just planning to do it and forgetting about it when the time comes. We'll see how I do.
This week I started back on my work out routine, which I have restarted a dozen times over the last couple of years. It's a pretty basic routine, just starting with a yoga sun salutation and stretch out routine, then doing sets of push-ups, crunches, pull-ups, leg lifts. No weights involved for now. My original goal in working out was to gain more weight, but for now I just want to look sexy with my shirt off (AKA better pecs and abs). By the time everyone's hitting the pool/lake this summer I want people to quiver with antici....pation when they see me. So far I have not skipped any workout days, but I am not up to my previous ability. I had to cut back to about half of my reps because my muscles were getting tired too fast. More updates on this later.
I finished reading a book in seemingly record time the other day. The Red Queen by Matt Ridley is a well-written, well-researched book about the red queen hypothesis of evolution of species and their sexual or asexual preferences. I learned a lot of things that I didn't know, even about the evolution and origin of human male and female tendencies. I usually drag a book of this length out over a 2-3 month period, but I was so ensnared by this one that I finished it in about 2 weeks. Since then, I have picked up an old read that helped me through my last bout with depression, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Yes, it was on Oprah's list of crap that she likes to read. But it was also one of my sources of courage and peace while I was leaving the church life behind a while back. I'm reading it again because I feel like my spiritual self has diminished greatly over the past couple of years, and I believe that by reconnecting with my spiritual side I can get a grip on my life.
Gomorrah Go Go rehearsals are coming along well; we still have plenty of time until the show starts and the scenes are looking great. I actually rehearsed a scene off-book yesterday, which is great progress for me as an actor. (I'm usually one of the last to be off book.)
So my focus points for the next week are: 1)Turn in some job applications, 2)Keep working out, 3)Get off book before deadline, 4)Finish reading The Power of Now, 5)Smile.
--EVETS
PS - Here's an less-metal moment brought to you by Devin Townsend (song entitled Soft).
As of 5pm today I am officially unemployed. While the idea of hunting for a job is really intimidating me, I've been in a relatively good mood most of the week and I've got some preliminary job searching stuff done. I have a list of potential jobs with phone numbers and/or addresses that I plan on contacting Saturday and/or Monday. I also plan to just hit the streets and visit practically any business in my neighborhood, Fry St., the square, University, etc., just to ask for applications. The real difficulty in this is getting out and doing it instead of just planning to do it and forgetting about it when the time comes. We'll see how I do.
This week I started back on my work out routine, which I have restarted a dozen times over the last couple of years. It's a pretty basic routine, just starting with a yoga sun salutation and stretch out routine, then doing sets of push-ups, crunches, pull-ups, leg lifts. No weights involved for now. My original goal in working out was to gain more weight, but for now I just want to look sexy with my shirt off (AKA better pecs and abs). By the time everyone's hitting the pool/lake this summer I want people to quiver with antici....pation when they see me. So far I have not skipped any workout days, but I am not up to my previous ability. I had to cut back to about half of my reps because my muscles were getting tired too fast. More updates on this later.
I finished reading a book in seemingly record time the other day. The Red Queen by Matt Ridley is a well-written, well-researched book about the red queen hypothesis of evolution of species and their sexual or asexual preferences. I learned a lot of things that I didn't know, even about the evolution and origin of human male and female tendencies. I usually drag a book of this length out over a 2-3 month period, but I was so ensnared by this one that I finished it in about 2 weeks. Since then, I have picked up an old read that helped me through my last bout with depression, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Yes, it was on Oprah's list of crap that she likes to read. But it was also one of my sources of courage and peace while I was leaving the church life behind a while back. I'm reading it again because I feel like my spiritual self has diminished greatly over the past couple of years, and I believe that by reconnecting with my spiritual side I can get a grip on my life.
Gomorrah Go Go rehearsals are coming along well; we still have plenty of time until the show starts and the scenes are looking great. I actually rehearsed a scene off-book yesterday, which is great progress for me as an actor. (I'm usually one of the last to be off book.)
So my focus points for the next week are: 1)Turn in some job applications, 2)Keep working out, 3)Get off book before deadline, 4)Finish reading The Power of Now, 5)Smile.
--EVETS
PS - Here's an less-metal moment brought to you by Devin Townsend (song entitled Soft).
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Another Day in the Life of...
Yesterday was the big infamous 4/20, hope you all had a great time.
I returned from San Antonio on Sunday night after attending my mom's wedding. The ceremony was great and the reception was even better. It was great to see the happiness and the love that my mom and her new husband share for each other; hope they're having a relaxing vacation this week.
The dark clouds of depression are still hovering over my head, but I'm starting to feel some sunshine peek through. I think part of this relief comes from the fact that I'm tired of talking to people about it, because they all tell me the same things. And though none of it really helps at the moment, I know that I can't start doing good until I can start feeling good. More on that later...
Rehearsals have begun for Gomorrah Go Go, the dude angels and myself are learning our sexy dance choreography and we're already turning heads. I love practicing at TWU. If one thing is motivating me to get out of my emotional funk, its this show. It feels good to be active, to be with friends (I've performed with almost all of our cast in previous shows), and to know that the show is going to be hilarious. And it doesn't hurt that I'll be performing in the sexiest part of the show, in my opinion.
The school semester is over as far as I'm concerned. I'm still going to classes and taking notes, but there's really no point in trying to do very well as far behind as I am. Plus my job is over next Friday and I'll have to find a new job for the summer and beyond. So wish me luck on that front.
I still find that I am constantly thinking about women, relationships, my dissatisfaction with being single, my jealousy for those who are in relationships. For example, I was at the grocery store today and as I was locking up my bike I witnessed a flood of happy couples walking into the store, like it was some kind of date night at Kroger. I saw at least five couples in under 10 seconds. I wanted to fucking SCREAM. And another thing (and yes, I know that looks are not all that matters) but I see these guys that look like they haven't combed their hair all week, wearing a beard like Moses, with GORGEOUS women on their arms. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously. What do any of these guys have that I don't?! Should I just stop giving a flying fuck what I put on in the morning and skip out on my whole morning prep? Quit shaving? Wear Converse high tops? What the fuck.
It's not like I'm desperate for any girl to come my way, I know that it takes work to find someone who is relationship material and to make something work. But too many people out there know that I'm a good looking, intelligent, kind gentleman for me to still be miserably single. What's keeping me from experiencing some happiness in this area of my life? If you know, please tell me so that I can stop asking myself this question every fucking day.
Ugh.
I've been doing a lot of personal journaling lately in search of some way to get myself focused on feeling better and doing better. Yesterday I wrote down a list of things I could do to improve my personal, spiritual, and career outlooks. I even narrowed down those lists to some specific things I can start working on this week. I'll report back to my readers (are you there?) about that later.
For now, its time to start looking for new work. So if any of my readers know of a good job opportunity in Denton, please share it with me. If I have to wait longer than a month or two to find work, then its going to be sayonara Denton, hello parents.
This weekend is my birthday, I turn 3^3.
That is all.
--DW
Metallica - Trapped Under Ice
I returned from San Antonio on Sunday night after attending my mom's wedding. The ceremony was great and the reception was even better. It was great to see the happiness and the love that my mom and her new husband share for each other; hope they're having a relaxing vacation this week.
The dark clouds of depression are still hovering over my head, but I'm starting to feel some sunshine peek through. I think part of this relief comes from the fact that I'm tired of talking to people about it, because they all tell me the same things. And though none of it really helps at the moment, I know that I can't start doing good until I can start feeling good. More on that later...
Rehearsals have begun for Gomorrah Go Go, the dude angels and myself are learning our sexy dance choreography and we're already turning heads. I love practicing at TWU. If one thing is motivating me to get out of my emotional funk, its this show. It feels good to be active, to be with friends (I've performed with almost all of our cast in previous shows), and to know that the show is going to be hilarious. And it doesn't hurt that I'll be performing in the sexiest part of the show, in my opinion.
The school semester is over as far as I'm concerned. I'm still going to classes and taking notes, but there's really no point in trying to do very well as far behind as I am. Plus my job is over next Friday and I'll have to find a new job for the summer and beyond. So wish me luck on that front.
I still find that I am constantly thinking about women, relationships, my dissatisfaction with being single, my jealousy for those who are in relationships. For example, I was at the grocery store today and as I was locking up my bike I witnessed a flood of happy couples walking into the store, like it was some kind of date night at Kroger. I saw at least five couples in under 10 seconds. I wanted to fucking SCREAM. And another thing (and yes, I know that looks are not all that matters) but I see these guys that look like they haven't combed their hair all week, wearing a beard like Moses, with GORGEOUS women on their arms. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously. What do any of these guys have that I don't?! Should I just stop giving a flying fuck what I put on in the morning and skip out on my whole morning prep? Quit shaving? Wear Converse high tops? What the fuck.
It's not like I'm desperate for any girl to come my way, I know that it takes work to find someone who is relationship material and to make something work. But too many people out there know that I'm a good looking, intelligent, kind gentleman for me to still be miserably single. What's keeping me from experiencing some happiness in this area of my life? If you know, please tell me so that I can stop asking myself this question every fucking day.
Ugh.
I've been doing a lot of personal journaling lately in search of some way to get myself focused on feeling better and doing better. Yesterday I wrote down a list of things I could do to improve my personal, spiritual, and career outlooks. I even narrowed down those lists to some specific things I can start working on this week. I'll report back to my readers (are you there?) about that later.
For now, its time to start looking for new work. So if any of my readers know of a good job opportunity in Denton, please share it with me. If I have to wait longer than a month or two to find work, then its going to be sayonara Denton, hello parents.
This weekend is my birthday, I turn 3^3.
That is all.
--DW
Metallica - Trapped Under Ice
Looking For The Next Step
As I've talked about in my most recent blog entries (Long Time No See and Blah), I had found myself in a bit of a tailspin, dangerously pointed toward the earth. So it's probably a good time for me to take in inventory of my possible solutions and take action before I crash.
Plan A
Ideally, I would like to remain in college and successfully earn my masters degree. To do this, I will have to continue doing my best to get through this semester while attempting to bring up my falling grades. When summer comes, I'll be forced to find a full-time job so that I can survive the absence of UNT pay checks until the fall semester begins. Then I will enroll in MATH 5520 (Modern Algebra) and probably MATH 5110 (Analysis) and hopefully be employed in the math lab again.
The difficulty lies in guaranteeing my employment in the math lab for the fall semester. If I can't get in, then I will have neither the income to support myself nor the time to spend studying for my classes in the fall.
Plan B
If school is out of my options for the fall then so is employment in the math department and I will have to find a new job. (God, I hate working outside of my field.) Said job would have to be located within a couple miles of my home, or some place to which I can easily ride a bus.
I am not looking forward to this, since last time I tried looking for a new job it took me 3 months to even get an interview. Regardless, I'll have to start looking now since I know I won't be chosen to a summer position at UNT. The good news is that I'll be available full-time over the summer since I am not taking French 1 and French 2 like I had planned.
Plan C
If I can't find a job that pays well enough (and soon enough), then I will either need to find a cheaper place or just pack up and end my Denton experience. I don't want to leave Denton anytime soon because I'm just starting to feel good about myself in this city. I mean, I'm sure I could find couches to crash on, or I could find a hippie commune around here or something...
Going back to the Paris, TX area is something I would really like to avoid. I left because my often liberal/alternative/scientific personality clashes with the conservative/Bible-Belt mindset of most of the locals I knew. Not to mention there is a distinct lack of hockey in Paris. Plus there isn't much of a job market around there, unless you're a nurse or a teacher. At least I know I could reunite with one of my old band's there. But where else would I go? San Antonio to be closer to my mom? Find work abroad? Too many options to think about right now.
To summarize, though I've been working my ass off this semester, I have still managed to find myself far behind where I need to be. I have more to write about today, but I'm going to save it for an entirely different post.
--EVETS
PS - Here's a great cover of the most badass theme song ever written.
Buckethead - Power Rangers Theme (original by Ron Wasserman)
Plan A
Ideally, I would like to remain in college and successfully earn my masters degree. To do this, I will have to continue doing my best to get through this semester while attempting to bring up my falling grades. When summer comes, I'll be forced to find a full-time job so that I can survive the absence of UNT pay checks until the fall semester begins. Then I will enroll in MATH 5520 (Modern Algebra) and probably MATH 5110 (Analysis) and hopefully be employed in the math lab again.
The difficulty lies in guaranteeing my employment in the math lab for the fall semester. If I can't get in, then I will have neither the income to support myself nor the time to spend studying for my classes in the fall.
Plan B
If school is out of my options for the fall then so is employment in the math department and I will have to find a new job. (God, I hate working outside of my field.) Said job would have to be located within a couple miles of my home, or some place to which I can easily ride a bus.
I am not looking forward to this, since last time I tried looking for a new job it took me 3 months to even get an interview. Regardless, I'll have to start looking now since I know I won't be chosen to a summer position at UNT. The good news is that I'll be available full-time over the summer since I am not taking French 1 and French 2 like I had planned.
Plan C
If I can't find a job that pays well enough (and soon enough), then I will either need to find a cheaper place or just pack up and end my Denton experience. I don't want to leave Denton anytime soon because I'm just starting to feel good about myself in this city. I mean, I'm sure I could find couches to crash on, or I could find a hippie commune around here or something...
Going back to the Paris, TX area is something I would really like to avoid. I left because my often liberal/alternative/scientific personality clashes with the conservative/Bible-Belt mindset of most of the locals I knew. Not to mention there is a distinct lack of hockey in Paris. Plus there isn't much of a job market around there, unless you're a nurse or a teacher. At least I know I could reunite with one of my old band's there. But where else would I go? San Antonio to be closer to my mom? Find work abroad? Too many options to think about right now.
To summarize, though I've been working my ass off this semester, I have still managed to find myself far behind where I need to be. I have more to write about today, but I'm going to save it for an entirely different post.
--EVETS
PS - Here's a great cover of the most badass theme song ever written.
Buckethead - Power Rangers Theme (original by Ron Wasserman)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Blah
Sometimes I feel like I should rename this blog to 'Bad News Bears' and change all my icons to moping, pathetic teddy bears.
I had a meeting today with my grad advisor to discuss my degree plan for the upcoming school year. I had re-applied for a teaching fellowship for the 2010-2011 year and was expecting to get news that I was going to be accepted. However, my advisor notified me that funding has been cut for UNT's graduate math program and that too many other applicants were more qualified than I. Furthermore, he made it sound like they may not have the funds to employ me in the math lab either, but that I would have to talk to the lab coordinator to make sure.
This really stresses me out because I was looking forward to getting that raise; I really need it. And if the math lab can't employ me over the summer or fall, then that means I have to find other employment, and as a student I cannot afford to make less than I am making right now, unless I had a car. But guess what, I don't have a car, so I am limited to working within a 2-3 mile radius of my house, which leaves me with shit for choices of work. Unless I work 40 hours a week, I have no way of supporting myself on lower pay, plus I would be trading off my study time to work. Damn it all. I don't want to go back to making $8/hr, working for some over-the-hill mediocre manager who didn't even go to college. I don't want to go back to telemarketing, or customer service, or fucking RaceTrac. I have no interest for working in the service industry. What do I have to do to make it on my own? Grrr.
Worst of all, my grad advisor is also the teacher for my hardest class, Topology. He told me that by my performance so far this semester in his class does not imply that I am making good enough progress to be considered a worthy candidate for continued grad studies in the math department. He basically said that if I can't pull my grade up in his class that I am not likely to do well in grad level course work and that it would be a waste of my time and theirs for me to continue pursuing a master's degree.
What can I do? I just feel like running away, hiding somewhere, staying in bed for the next several days. What the hell am I supposed to do if I can't get this degree? I can't accept that I'm not good enough for this! I have to re-evaluate my whole outlook for the coming year, since I had planned around earning a TF position next semester. Maybe I should re-open my ideas about leaving the country, finding an English teaching position in Asia somewhere, or re-applying to go work in Garmisch, Germany. I mean, everytime I think about leaving the country, I change my mind and decide to stay, only later wishing I had left the states. Hmm.
Onto the good news...
I auditioned this Tuesday for Fight Boy Theatre's next show, Gommorah Go-Go. It was a lot of fun, especially since I knew most of the people that were auditioning with me and that my brother is directing this show. Apparently I did a good job since I was cast as the Archangel, a role I was interested in when I read the script a few months ago. Rehearsals start this coming Tuesday, this should be fun.
And I'm out of good news. Fuck. At least I get to play hockey tonight.
I've got a game at 8:00pm with my current team Soviet Reunion vs. Mooseheads (my former team) and then I agreed to sub in for a missing goalie on BBD vs. Kissmyanthia at 9:00pm.
I have an Abstract Algebra 2 exam tomorrow morning that I've been studying for all week. It's looking fairly easy, so I'm not too worried about it. Then I've got homework to do all weekend. Blah.
--EVETS
PS - At least there will always be cheesy metal to distract me momentarily.
Helloween - Kids of the Century
I had a meeting today with my grad advisor to discuss my degree plan for the upcoming school year. I had re-applied for a teaching fellowship for the 2010-2011 year and was expecting to get news that I was going to be accepted. However, my advisor notified me that funding has been cut for UNT's graduate math program and that too many other applicants were more qualified than I. Furthermore, he made it sound like they may not have the funds to employ me in the math lab either, but that I would have to talk to the lab coordinator to make sure.
This really stresses me out because I was looking forward to getting that raise; I really need it. And if the math lab can't employ me over the summer or fall, then that means I have to find other employment, and as a student I cannot afford to make less than I am making right now, unless I had a car. But guess what, I don't have a car, so I am limited to working within a 2-3 mile radius of my house, which leaves me with shit for choices of work. Unless I work 40 hours a week, I have no way of supporting myself on lower pay, plus I would be trading off my study time to work. Damn it all. I don't want to go back to making $8/hr, working for some over-the-hill mediocre manager who didn't even go to college. I don't want to go back to telemarketing, or customer service, or fucking RaceTrac. I have no interest for working in the service industry. What do I have to do to make it on my own? Grrr.
Worst of all, my grad advisor is also the teacher for my hardest class, Topology. He told me that by my performance so far this semester in his class does not imply that I am making good enough progress to be considered a worthy candidate for continued grad studies in the math department. He basically said that if I can't pull my grade up in his class that I am not likely to do well in grad level course work and that it would be a waste of my time and theirs for me to continue pursuing a master's degree.
What can I do? I just feel like running away, hiding somewhere, staying in bed for the next several days. What the hell am I supposed to do if I can't get this degree? I can't accept that I'm not good enough for this! I have to re-evaluate my whole outlook for the coming year, since I had planned around earning a TF position next semester. Maybe I should re-open my ideas about leaving the country, finding an English teaching position in Asia somewhere, or re-applying to go work in Garmisch, Germany. I mean, everytime I think about leaving the country, I change my mind and decide to stay, only later wishing I had left the states. Hmm.
Onto the good news...
I auditioned this Tuesday for Fight Boy Theatre's next show, Gommorah Go-Go. It was a lot of fun, especially since I knew most of the people that were auditioning with me and that my brother is directing this show. Apparently I did a good job since I was cast as the Archangel, a role I was interested in when I read the script a few months ago. Rehearsals start this coming Tuesday, this should be fun.
And I'm out of good news. Fuck. At least I get to play hockey tonight.
I've got a game at 8:00pm with my current team Soviet Reunion vs. Mooseheads (my former team) and then I agreed to sub in for a missing goalie on BBD vs. Kissmyanthia at 9:00pm.
I have an Abstract Algebra 2 exam tomorrow morning that I've been studying for all week. It's looking fairly easy, so I'm not too worried about it. Then I've got homework to do all weekend. Blah.
--EVETS
PS - At least there will always be cheesy metal to distract me momentarily.
Helloween - Kids of the Century
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Long Time No See
So I finally have friends who are actively blogging again, and I have decided to join in and dust off the good old Full Metal Racket blog. Welcome back, enjoy yourself.
The past month or so has been a big roller coaster for me, and I'm ready to get off. I'm pretty sure I already threw up a couple times. Everything that was going well for me last semester has become mediocre at best, and my ego has really taken a beating.
I recently found myself single again, and I cannot seem to escape large groups of couples. They're fucking everywhere; on campus, in class, down town, the hockey rink, the bar, the bookstore... And the coming of Spring doesn't really help either, because now they're just out and about, everywhere. You happy bastards in love are ruining my otherwise good time. Do they have a Single Anonymous group? Because I would totally go to those meetings. A healthy romantic relationship, as much as I yearn for one, is becoming an increasingly frustrating pursuit. The more women I meet, the more disillusioned I feel about the idea of finding one who has their head on tight enough for my liking. Seriously, what the fuck is going on inside of the female cranium? I mean, I don't want much, and I'm not trying to fill a void in my life. I just want to know that someone's got my back. And I'm not looking for my friends to try to pump me up, and tell me how eligible I am, because I already know and believe that I am a very attractive, highly intelligent, funny, honest, caring and loving man. I've already heard from a hundred people over the years that any woman would be lucky to have me. Is it because I don't have a fucking car? Because that's the only thing I can think of. Otherwise I am a great person, I am going places in life, I'm worth it, god damn it. And fuck you if you can't see that.
My poor mood hasn't posed too much of a threat to my academic progress this semester, mostly due to the fact that I'm already not doing that well in my classes. Abstract Algebra 2 is my best class right now, grades are good, homework is easy. But sometimes I don't really see where my teacher is going. Matrix Theory is going so-so. I remember most of my Linear Algebra stuff, but I am still struggling when it comes to writing proofs in that context. Topology, while I feel like its the most important class for me to do well in this semester, is kicking my ass. I managed to make a 77 on Exam 1 though, so I suppose I'm learning something in there. I know that I can't always ace everything, and that's fine.
As I think I mentioned in a previous post, I started seeing a personal counselor last semester and my meetings with him had been going well. But for some reason he has been completely booked since Spring Break. Two weeks have gone by that I have been stuck on an endless waiting list, and it looks like I'm just going to have to suck it up and do this on my own. I guess I'm not the only one who had a shitty Spring Break and needs professional help?
My level of personal happiness and contentment is pretty damned low right now, but luckily I am experienced enough now to know that this means its time to make some changes with my life...
For one, I am starting to realize that I drink way too much and everyone I hang out with has become increasingly obsessed with going to the bar over the past year. I mean, I'm not an alcoholic, but just doing my weekly checkbook balance shows me that I'm losing a lot of money to bars. I've been considering quitting the bar scene for good, probably as of last Friday night. It would be goal-worthy to even quit drinking entirely for the next 6 weeks. It's doable, and it would help me in my struggles in class.
My lack of successful relationships since I've been in Denton has also prompted me to take an inventory of things I can change that would improve my success rate. I need to change my environment, find some new social circles, do something new. I've started sitting in at meetings for our campus's student Socialist organization and been digesting their propaganda. Maybe it will be good for me to find something to fight for, some cause to support. I'm just a little uneasy and skeptical since I've been duped into fighting for other causes in the past that I no longer believe in. Other groups like FMLA, Queer Liberaction, Esoteric Mystery Society, and Philosophy Club are on my list of meetings to try out. I need to find people who are less into being drunk all the time, people who have goals, focus, and vision.
About the only thing that is going very well for me right now is hockey. I returned to the goal crease in December and I've been working my way back to par. So far my previously injured knee is doing fine. I've altered my goal tending style with the aim of protecting my knees while still maximizing my blocking surface with good results. For example, I shut out one of our league's top scorers in a 7-2 victory last Thursday night. I'm also stepping up my efforts this week by going to pick-up games on Monday nights in addition to my Thursday night games. Interested in checking out a game? I play for a team called Soviet Reunion, and our league's schedule can be found HERE. The rink is located at 222 S. Mayhill Rd., Denton, TX.
That's all I have for now, 6 weeks left until I get a 3 week break (AKA a most needed breather) from school and work. Got any good ideas for how I should spend it? Holler at me.
Here's some mandatory noise.
--DW
Pantera - Message In Blood
The past month or so has been a big roller coaster for me, and I'm ready to get off. I'm pretty sure I already threw up a couple times. Everything that was going well for me last semester has become mediocre at best, and my ego has really taken a beating.
I recently found myself single again, and I cannot seem to escape large groups of couples. They're fucking everywhere; on campus, in class, down town, the hockey rink, the bar, the bookstore... And the coming of Spring doesn't really help either, because now they're just out and about, everywhere. You happy bastards in love are ruining my otherwise good time. Do they have a Single Anonymous group? Because I would totally go to those meetings. A healthy romantic relationship, as much as I yearn for one, is becoming an increasingly frustrating pursuit. The more women I meet, the more disillusioned I feel about the idea of finding one who has their head on tight enough for my liking. Seriously, what the fuck is going on inside of the female cranium? I mean, I don't want much, and I'm not trying to fill a void in my life. I just want to know that someone's got my back. And I'm not looking for my friends to try to pump me up, and tell me how eligible I am, because I already know and believe that I am a very attractive, highly intelligent, funny, honest, caring and loving man. I've already heard from a hundred people over the years that any woman would be lucky to have me. Is it because I don't have a fucking car? Because that's the only thing I can think of. Otherwise I am a great person, I am going places in life, I'm worth it, god damn it. And fuck you if you can't see that.
My poor mood hasn't posed too much of a threat to my academic progress this semester, mostly due to the fact that I'm already not doing that well in my classes. Abstract Algebra 2 is my best class right now, grades are good, homework is easy. But sometimes I don't really see where my teacher is going. Matrix Theory is going so-so. I remember most of my Linear Algebra stuff, but I am still struggling when it comes to writing proofs in that context. Topology, while I feel like its the most important class for me to do well in this semester, is kicking my ass. I managed to make a 77 on Exam 1 though, so I suppose I'm learning something in there. I know that I can't always ace everything, and that's fine.
As I think I mentioned in a previous post, I started seeing a personal counselor last semester and my meetings with him had been going well. But for some reason he has been completely booked since Spring Break. Two weeks have gone by that I have been stuck on an endless waiting list, and it looks like I'm just going to have to suck it up and do this on my own. I guess I'm not the only one who had a shitty Spring Break and needs professional help?
My level of personal happiness and contentment is pretty damned low right now, but luckily I am experienced enough now to know that this means its time to make some changes with my life...
For one, I am starting to realize that I drink way too much and everyone I hang out with has become increasingly obsessed with going to the bar over the past year. I mean, I'm not an alcoholic, but just doing my weekly checkbook balance shows me that I'm losing a lot of money to bars. I've been considering quitting the bar scene for good, probably as of last Friday night. It would be goal-worthy to even quit drinking entirely for the next 6 weeks. It's doable, and it would help me in my struggles in class.
My lack of successful relationships since I've been in Denton has also prompted me to take an inventory of things I can change that would improve my success rate. I need to change my environment, find some new social circles, do something new. I've started sitting in at meetings for our campus's student Socialist organization and been digesting their propaganda. Maybe it will be good for me to find something to fight for, some cause to support. I'm just a little uneasy and skeptical since I've been duped into fighting for other causes in the past that I no longer believe in. Other groups like FMLA, Queer Liberaction, Esoteric Mystery Society, and Philosophy Club are on my list of meetings to try out. I need to find people who are less into being drunk all the time, people who have goals, focus, and vision.
About the only thing that is going very well for me right now is hockey. I returned to the goal crease in December and I've been working my way back to par. So far my previously injured knee is doing fine. I've altered my goal tending style with the aim of protecting my knees while still maximizing my blocking surface with good results. For example, I shut out one of our league's top scorers in a 7-2 victory last Thursday night. I'm also stepping up my efforts this week by going to pick-up games on Monday nights in addition to my Thursday night games. Interested in checking out a game? I play for a team called Soviet Reunion, and our league's schedule can be found HERE. The rink is located at 222 S. Mayhill Rd., Denton, TX.
That's all I have for now, 6 weeks left until I get a 3 week break (AKA a most needed breather) from school and work. Got any good ideas for how I should spend it? Holler at me.
Here's some mandatory noise.
--DW
Pantera - Message In Blood
Friday, November 20, 2009
Success and Wanting
I haven't posted much lately because every time I sat down to blog I had negative topics. There have been probably 5 or 6 drafts over the past couple of months that I deleted because all I could write about were my personal failures and my desires that continue to go unfulfilled. So today I'm going to talk about my successes so far this semester.
As of this week, I have made all A's on my exams for Abstract Algebra and Real Analysis. I've increased my study time tremendously this semester and it is really paying off. To be specific, I'm on campus 6 days a week and I spend an average of 3-4 hours each one of those days studying, writing notes, and doing homework.
I've also registered for Abstract Algebra 2, Matrix Theory, and Topology for the spring semester. To prepare myself for those courses I'm going to spend most of Christmas break reading and studying, probably about 1-2 hours per day, Monday - Friday. My goal is to be about 6-8 weeks ahead by the time school begins in January so that I can focus on meeting more of the faculty and grad students, prepare my application for teaching fellowship for next fall, be involved in more campus activities, and get my tutoring business back in action.
Another big success is that I have managed my money well enough this year that I will be able to support myself over Christmas break without having to work. Yessss. This is going to give me some much needed time to work on next semester's coursework as well as beef up on some subjects that I sometimes have trouble tutoring at work. Linear Algebra, Calculus 2, and Probability/Statistics come to mind. I've also got some projects that I put on the back burner when the fall semester started up that I'd like to revisit. And maybe I can find the time to get out of Denton a few times before school starts back up in January.
Coming back around to school stuff, I've made a solid decision to change my degree plan from Math/Econ Master of Sciences to Pure Math Master of Arts. I will either take minor electives in economics/risk management or go back to my computer science background since I finally have the discipline and responsibility to do well in programming courses. I also need some foreign language credits for an MA, so I'm going to get back into French, hopefully during the summer.
The reason I've made such big changes in my degree plan is that I want to go somewhere notable to earn my PhD. I'm still a couple years away from finishing up here at UNT, but I've already started looking around at the country's top math schools. MIT and Berkley are my top two choices so far, but I haven't done enough research to finalize my choices.
In other news, Jet City Rotation is playing their first show since our last one in April at Liquid Lounge in Dallas, TX. We return to the Lounge to rock some faces off tomorrow night around 10pm, cover is going to be $8-10 and we are 99% sure that we are going to debut some new music for our fans. So if you're reading this and you're close enough to check it out, please do!
I now leave you with some music to enjoy from Devin Townsend Project's new album Addicted. Song is called The Way Home.
--DW
As of this week, I have made all A's on my exams for Abstract Algebra and Real Analysis. I've increased my study time tremendously this semester and it is really paying off. To be specific, I'm on campus 6 days a week and I spend an average of 3-4 hours each one of those days studying, writing notes, and doing homework.
I've also registered for Abstract Algebra 2, Matrix Theory, and Topology for the spring semester. To prepare myself for those courses I'm going to spend most of Christmas break reading and studying, probably about 1-2 hours per day, Monday - Friday. My goal is to be about 6-8 weeks ahead by the time school begins in January so that I can focus on meeting more of the faculty and grad students, prepare my application for teaching fellowship for next fall, be involved in more campus activities, and get my tutoring business back in action.
Another big success is that I have managed my money well enough this year that I will be able to support myself over Christmas break without having to work. Yessss. This is going to give me some much needed time to work on next semester's coursework as well as beef up on some subjects that I sometimes have trouble tutoring at work. Linear Algebra, Calculus 2, and Probability/Statistics come to mind. I've also got some projects that I put on the back burner when the fall semester started up that I'd like to revisit. And maybe I can find the time to get out of Denton a few times before school starts back up in January.
Coming back around to school stuff, I've made a solid decision to change my degree plan from Math/Econ Master of Sciences to Pure Math Master of Arts. I will either take minor electives in economics/risk management or go back to my computer science background since I finally have the discipline and responsibility to do well in programming courses. I also need some foreign language credits for an MA, so I'm going to get back into French, hopefully during the summer.
The reason I've made such big changes in my degree plan is that I want to go somewhere notable to earn my PhD. I'm still a couple years away from finishing up here at UNT, but I've already started looking around at the country's top math schools. MIT and Berkley are my top two choices so far, but I haven't done enough research to finalize my choices.
In other news, Jet City Rotation is playing their first show since our last one in April at Liquid Lounge in Dallas, TX. We return to the Lounge to rock some faces off tomorrow night around 10pm, cover is going to be $8-10 and we are 99% sure that we are going to debut some new music for our fans. So if you're reading this and you're close enough to check it out, please do!
I now leave you with some music to enjoy from Devin Townsend Project's new album Addicted. Song is called The Way Home.
--DW
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