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Sometimes I feel like I should rename this blog to 'Bad News Bears' and change all my icons to moping, pathetic teddy bears.

I had a meeting today with my grad advisor to discuss my degree plan for the upcoming school year. I had re-applied for a teaching fellowship for the 2010-2011 year and was expecting to get news that I was going to be accepted. However, my advisor notified me that funding has been cut for UNT's graduate math program and that too many other applicants were more qualified than I. Furthermore, he made it sound like they may not have the funds to employ me in the math lab either, but that I would have to talk to the lab coordinator to make sure.

This really stresses me out because I was looking forward to getting that raise; I really need it. And if the math lab can't employ me over the summer or fall, then that means I have to find other employment, and as a student I cannot afford to make less than I am making right now, unless I had a car. But guess what, I don't have a car, so I am limited to working within a 2-3 mile radius of my house, which leaves me with shit for choices of work. Unless I work 40 hours a week, I have no way of supporting myself on lower pay, plus I would be trading off my study time to work. Damn it all. I don't want to go back to making $8/hr, working for some over-the-hill mediocre manager who didn't even go to college. I don't want to go back to telemarketing, or customer service, or fucking RaceTrac. I have no interest for working in the service industry. What do I have to do to make it on my own? Grrr.

Worst of all, my grad advisor is also the teacher for my hardest class, Topology. He told me that by my performance so far this semester in his class does not imply that I am making good enough progress to be considered a worthy candidate for continued grad studies in the math department. He basically said that if I can't pull my grade up in his class that I am not likely to do well in grad level course work and that it would be a waste of my time and theirs for me to continue pursuing a master's degree.

What can I do? I just feel like running away, hiding somewhere, staying in bed for the next several days. What the hell am I supposed to do if I can't get this degree? I can't accept that I'm not good enough for this! I have to re-evaluate my whole outlook for the coming year, since I had planned around earning a TF position next semester. Maybe I should re-open my ideas about leaving the country, finding an English teaching position in Asia somewhere, or re-applying to go work in Garmisch, Germany. I mean, everytime I think about leaving the country, I change my mind and decide to stay, only later wishing I had left the states. Hmm.

Onto the good news...

I auditioned this Tuesday for Fight Boy Theatre's next show, Gommorah Go-Go. It was a lot of fun, especially since I knew most of the people that were auditioning with me and that my brother is directing this show. Apparently I did a good job since I was cast as the Archangel, a role I was interested in when I read the script a few months ago. Rehearsals start this coming Tuesday, this should be fun.

And I'm out of good news. Fuck. At least I get to play hockey tonight.

I've got a game at 8:00pm with my current team Soviet Reunion vs. Mooseheads (my former team) and then I agreed to sub in for a missing goalie on BBD vs. Kissmyanthia at 9:00pm.

I have an Abstract Algebra 2 exam tomorrow morning that I've been studying for all week. It's looking fairly easy, so I'm not too worried about it. Then I've got homework to do all weekend. Blah.

--EVETS

PS - At least there will always be cheesy metal to distract me momentarily.

Helloween - Kids of the Century